I sometimes feel like at least twelve people made me their horcrux. I sometimes feel like there are just far too many souls inside me. I don’t even know which one is mine or if I really do have one of my own. I like so many things that it’s confusing. I do not know what I want the most. It’s actually a very millennial problem if you’ll ask me. I know it’s stupid, but it bothers me sometimes.
What I’m blabbering around is about the frustration of seeing things around me and how I just stand still. I said I like routine and they said that you shouldn’t make life a race versus the people around you, it’s true, but it’s hard to ignore when it’s only an inch far from your face. It’s hard when it’s late at night and it’s dark and it’s the only thing that’s visible. It’s hard when it blinds you and you still scroll through it and see how different things are with other people.
You sometimes wish you’re somewhere else. Someone else.
Or how you could’ve done things better.
But you know that it will never be the case and you could be worse.
At least, little by little I’m trying to figure things out. I finally conquered the worst demon of it all (a.k.a. the teenage angst) at 20. I know that’s kinda late but I’m turning 23 in a few months and the dark may still come and go, but I know now that it’s not what’s gonna kill me. I am not the one to kill me. I just woke up one day that I’ve forgiven myself and I see myself forgiving people too. It actually feels better to forgive the ones who aren’t even sorry. And it feels a lot better to acknowledge that you are to be forgiven too. It became easier to breathe. I learned to write for myself and not for people to read. I play and sing songs alone in my room until my fingers hurt that I couldn’t press the fretts anymore. I didn’t feel the need to read books in so much fear of getting rusty. I was enjoying myself. It felt like a new start.
And eventually the new start felt empty.
I was so full of hatred and when I finally got to let it go completely it seems like I don’t have anything at all. There’s nothing left…
And here’s where I start again.