Same Thing, Different Year

‘Tis the season to be jolly… or not. It’s Valentine’s Day again. I think I haven’t experienced celebrating Valentine’s Day with anyone before. As in a jowa. Or there’s nothing remarkable that happened. Hehehehehe. I just know I had the chance once but I purposely dodged it. Do you ever wanted to celebrate a supposedly special day with someone you’re sure as hell you can never fool yourself that you at least genuinely care for them? I never get bitter about Valentine’s Day because there’s no experience to compare each year with. All I have is celebrating it year by year with my awesome friends.

Year 2012. We cooked pasta in Galas and Ram bought grapes. I was drunk. That’s all I can remember.

Year 2013. I helped Gian surprise Mavic with her favorite cheap siomai and a bouquet of flowers. I shared a huge bowl of deep-fried chicken skin with Katrina. This was the year that Paolo had a girlfriend and bought us the then-hip J.Co doughnuts out of pity. Ram came over a little late and we all had a sound sleepover. We didn’t drink.

Year 2014. This may or may not be the year that I spent with my college friends having Valentine’s dinner in Dampa. I’m not really sure. I don’t remember shit about this year. I may be drunk.

Year 2015. I was all emo remembering Valentine’s 2013 and how much it hurts. Hahahaha.

Year 2016. I spent Valentine’s Day with my then-new friends grilling liempo in DJ. We played Cards Against Humanity for the first time.

It’s mostly like that year after year. This year I had dinner with the girls and being all amigas with Tita Nympha. We were supposed to go to a hotel and eat chickens and cheap chocolates, but instead we decided to stick around and talk about the inevitable. It was so much fun, but I came home and realized how much we’re aging. It’s kinda weird. If I don’t think too much, I still feel like the college girl who’s doing fine to not-so fine in college hoping not to get too drunk because she gotta brave her way to another inuman.

This year’s Valentines made me feel a lot like things are changing so fast but they’re still somewhat the same. My heart feels tired of loving the same things but I feel like I’ve been reborn and ready to love my heart out at the same time. I always ask myself if this is going to be the rest of my life. I always answer it with nothing, because I’m sure as hell that this is it, I don’t even have to ask myself anymore.

The thought of having it all figured out makes me sad, it feels a lot like giving in to something inexistent, it feels a lot like the word ‘surrender’. I fucking hate it, but the thought of change scares the hell out of me, too.

Because amidst of panic I would always think that if this is the rest of my life, there’s nothing about it that I don’t love. I will often rant about getting tired but I know I would never stop. That’s the Maru way. Things are usually kind of different and celebrations are usually celebrated differently but it’s always embarrassingly funny if not a success.

I may be heavier this year but my heart feels lighter. I don’t often love myself but lately I always take time to appreciate that I’m not as shitty as I’ve been treating myself in the past years. I didn’t deserve that. Self-hate is awful. I always think that I always love people too much to the point that I can offer to go down just to make people happy. But I never thought of how much bigger we can love if we learn to love properly. It’s true, folks, the greatest love you will ever have will be the love from yourself. We can never give something that we never received.

Still think this is an outlet of bitterness? Think of this, I just learned that life would only feel like it is passing you by if you base your own life on how other people live theirs.

If this is life as I know it then I will be okay. If things are going to change, I’ll be there. I will stop what I should’ve ended a long time ago. I am yet to conquer the world and gotta be all brave for my next inuman.

Pero please, five minutes pa.

For my friends Katrina, Trishia, Camille and the other ones who didn’t mind to share their February 14s with me.

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