Lost in Transfiguration

When we were younger my grade school best friends and I liked playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. As kids, we never liked doing the missions because that’s the beauty of GTA, you can just roam around, do your shit and be the best terrorist you can become. In our case, we are a bunch of suicidal and brutal players. The three of us liked taking turns, pretend and imagine that Tommy Vercetti is one of us. “Uy, ikaw ‘to ah.”, we’d say as Tommy drives a little too fast towards a ramp as we were typing the car explosion cheat code. So during the afternoons of the early 2000s, with pancit cantons and eggs, we’ll make these crazy stunts until Tommy dies and that says a lot about how I really grew up as a person.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about my best days. I was so upset that some of the moments that I thought made me experience euphoria happened so long ago that I don’t recall how it felt anymore. I never knew that it’s even possible to recall something so clearly yet you still forget how it felt. I can fucking see it happening at the ceiling of my head like it was just yesterday. I always knew it’s the best thing that ever happened to me but it’s weird when life hits you with reality saying that something you thought is the most precious thing to you is not even euphoric enough to last. Where does that leave me?

I will never grasp the right words for how the last few days have been, but if there’s one thing I know, it feels a lot like this Coraline’s OST called Exploration. Coraline is one of those movies that get a lot more interesting the more you see it. It scared the shit out of me when I was a little kid. I already lost count if you’ll ever ask how many times I’ve seen it. All I can say is that each rerun is a different experience. Mostly they’re hollowed; sometimes I still get scared; sometimes it gives me this weird kind of fulfillment. The last time I saw it was last week and it made me sad.

I don’t know why I even talk about this. All I know is that the nightmares are back and I can never seem to get use to them. Last night was a little rough; I had to spend the rest of the night with my sister. Funny thing is that the dreams were animated. I’m new to the anime world and I guess I saw a little too many episodes lately that it merged with this weird funk inside me.

The nightmares are always a sign that it’s getting bad again.

I just hope they’re gone tonight.


Did you know that the lyrics to Exploration are just gibberish?


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