Suicide Policeman

Hi, it’s 10:30 p.m., I just got home an hour ago from my friend Katrina’s house. I just feel like writing about something random tonight. We’ve been talking about the weird splurge of death around us and nothing bothers me more than the after life. It’s so devastating and so awful that our friends get to experience these. I don’t know how hard it is and I will never understand the pain they’re going through, but it’s really hard to be around your friends and being not able to take at least an ounce of pain they’re feeling. Death is inevitable pero putang ina, hindi pa rin fair.

I came home and of course, logged in to Facebook and the first thing on my feed is an incident in DLSU where a student(?) committed suicide. It made me really sad and furious because another human being was so fed up to even fight her inner demons (and how could she do it when most people fight for their last breath?). I don’t know anything about that person but whenever there’s a case of suicide, I can always see through my eyes the last minutes of that person and how it was when that person was on the brink of deciding if it’s really over for her. No matter what her reason is, we can never blame her or anyone. It’s the end of her life for her. But I believe, that no matter what it is, I know it’s something that can be spared. It’s just too sad that it’s too late. It reminds me of something I retweeted earlier; it’s a side-by-side lyrics of a Nirvana song called Come As You Are and Adam’s Song by blink-182 (which is, by the way, my second favorite Blink song).

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To give you a little background, even though it’s pretty obvious, we all know Kurt Cobain, right? And how he killed himself a couple of years ago. I’ve been thinking that maybe that’s the extent of how cruel life can do to people, we can always run away from anything in this world—people, debts, family, school, work, but never your head. On the other hand, Adam’s Song personally saved me a lot of times. It’s said that it’s blink’s anti-suicide campaign. Blink answered Nirvana. Come As You Are was pretty iconic, Kurt Cobain and his suicide too. It’s one of the greatest tragedy of music’s history, but mostly, I think it’s just really sad.

I was in a trike with my friend, Trishia, when we talked about suicide. If I were my 18-year-old self, I’d say that she’s wrong when she said that committing suicide is selfish. I remember thinking that deciding to end your own life is brave. I thought that it’s brave when you could just leave everything behind and never look back. When you’re finally decided to do it and you crossed the thin line of your readiness to leave everything, in a few minutes before doing it, you became a completely different person; it makes you invincible. My 22-year-old self agreed that yes, suicide is selfish but I must say that it’s brave, too. Most people would say that people who died of suicide are weak, that they only do that just to escape, but truthfully, no matter how awful it seems, it’s one of the bravest things I know. To fight is great too, but to decide that everything around you, your family, your friends, your loved ones, just don’t matter anymore. I think it’s really brave to decide that all of those people aren’t enough for you to continue. Maybe that’s why I’m still here and maybe that’s why I’ve always been a chicken no matter how much I fantasize about death, I can never seem to leave them because I’m not strong enough to leave them the emptiness inside my heart. Not that I don’t think about dying anymore, there are things that I do to discourage suicide and maybe this will help some people too: I always think “I can’t do this to my mom.” You see, if you kill yourself, your parents will always be the parents who had a daughter that killed herself. Your siblings will always be the sisters of that dead suicidal girl. Your friends will always blame themselves for not being there for you when you needed them. It’s like when a person committed suicide, the awful thoughts just jumped to the next person. It’s an endless cycle that we should fight really hard. We should always be weak enough to leave our loved ones. The thing is you can never kick the demon out of you, it will always be there, but you can always make the love inside you bigger than that.

My vision about life changed when I saw my best friend Paolo and her girlfriend Dez’s daughter for the first time. I almost cried and felt this weird goosebumps and thought that if I were dead, I wouldn’t experience that very moment and the other good ones that are yet to come. It was one of those days that made me feel alive. Maybe a day like this or a totally random day could change another person’s life forever. I just wish that that DLSU girl had one before it happened.

We know that people die everyday, it’s not fair, so we should try living the hell out of our every day everyday. People would kill for a day with their loved ones that passed away, why not stay another day when you have all the power to do it? It may change everything. It may change you. I know it will not be automatically okay for everyone, but just please live for another day.

Excerpt from a blog entry July 12, 2015:

There are two points that I wanna say in this post. 

First, to those people who have these kind of thoughts. Please, it’s a phase you can get through. Always think of those who will blame themselves after you do such drastic act. Think about those people who will always wonder about you and look for you like how it’s all gonna be if you’re still here. Think about all those people whose life are going to be changed forever when you’re forever erased in the picture. I know it may seem that no one will actually do these things for you but believe me, there are so many people who loves you and it may sound hypocritical but it’s true. Remember to always talk to someone. Always do something else if this ever enters your mind. Always do something that will pull you up from the loop. Things change and you know that. Always, always love yourself.

Second, to those people who know someone who’s capable of self harm. Please, this is not their way of looking for attention. I know it becomes irritating at times but maybe it’s a proof of your lack of attention. They say that the only thing that can help suicidal people are themselves but it’s actually wrong. What they need is support and sense of belonging. One of the frequent things that comes to their minds is the cold brought by the feeling of emptiness so please find a way to fill them up. Do not ever make fun of their feelings because maybe you are the last string and you are the one who’s responsible of the trigger. Please be extra sensitive and be aware of these people. These people are shady that they do not even know they are depressed or something. You do not know a person is depressed because, I believe, they do not wanna bother people with their nothingness. So just always be the better person because actually, we do not know who we are really pushing. Normally it isn’t just the way of thinking of a depressed person that triggers them, sometimes it is how people treat them.

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