Worst of Both Worlds

As much as I wanted to stay positive about things, I can always find a way to mess things up. It’s always me and my drastic decisions. I always think that if my mother and I are the same age, I wouldn’t be friends with her because I’d be the last person she wanted to deal with. I could always use a friend like my mother. Not that I don’t consider her as my friend, it’s just that you can’t tell everything to your mom because that’s how life works and you’ll be grounded to death. (Not that I’m not)

Lately I’m bored. I found myself writing my journal asking if this is going to be the rest of my life. I don’t like being bored because it means being alone with my head. I’m very well at making myself miserable. I can always find sadness in the smallest things. It’s not great but it’s something I can’t help.

This time I thought that I’m not really a good person. I always think that I am. That’s kinda self-absorbed, but I really think I am– that I’m a good person who sometimes do bad things because bad stuff are inevitable. You see how wrong is that? But the thing is, I always think that I’m such a bad person too. And I would think that I’m a good person again because I always acknowledge that I’m bad and I do bad things, but not everyone have the guts to admit that they’re not so good at all and that’s how I justify everything. I don’t know. I’m just speaking my mind here. It’s not a pretty place.

And I’m tired. I am trying my best not to make the same mistakes over and over again. How can life be so easy when you’re not looking at your own? How can we always know the answer when the question don’t concern us?  I always think that no matter how stupid we can get, we always know what’s right or wrong about things, we’re just too afraid to take risks sometimes. Or we’re too comfortable with ‘just fine’ and we don’t like considering things to get better because tang ina, we’re doing okay naman, pwede na yan. It’s always about comfort over anything else. How can we not answer a simple 1+1 when it’s about us?

Mistakes after mistakes after mistakes. How can you stay positive when you’re just all about survival and not living? How can you stay straight about things when you’re alive but your ultimate goal is just to get through the day, wait for the weekend or sleep? I sometimes think that I don’t deserve this, as much as I am thankful for everyday, I always think that I’m wasting my goddamn life. My dead friend could be having a better life if my days are his. They could give them to him and my friend’s father. My mistakes are record breaking. Why am I even here?

But I love my mom. I survive everyday for my mother. No matter if I’m not living life to the fullest, even if I always just wanna get it through the day. I can never leave her.

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