Cigarettes After Sex: Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby

This is all your fault. I didn’t know I will stumble upon something so beautiful while searching for some Surf Pop stuff. Thanks a lot, tennis. Guys, it’s a song. You gotta listen to this.

It’s a quiet Friday evening inside my room. I’m on my dusty desk trying to write something because I accidentally made myself sad again. It’s one of those talents that I’ve acquired through my years of training. I get weird funks sometimes. This desk reminds me of this  long poem, Dover beach, from six years ago when my high school English teacher forced us to memorize it; she thought we might need it in the future. I don’t remember a single word of it and I don’t think I’ve actually understood what it means. I don’t remember anything but its title and that it’s long, but my desk is so dusty that if I still remember the words to that poem, I can actually write the whole thing in it.

I’m currently recovering from an intense cold that I diagnosed Stage 3 cough and colds a few days ago. It isn’t really that bad, I just like being OA. It’s just that I’m so sad right now. I even feel sicker than my sickest day. Maybe I’m PMSing, or I’m having birthday blues (my birthday is in a week) or maarte lang talaga ako minsan.

I haven’t posted anything in weeks because a lot of things happened and I swear this has got to be one of the worst years ever. I don’t know, but at times like this, I’d always come rushing to write something to kick everything off. I’ve been blogging for 9 years now and it feels like it’s the only thing about me that didn’t change. It’s the only thing that stuck with me.

I listened to Cigarettes After Sex’s Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby for the first time and it made me so sad. All I wanted to do was write. I’ve never felt this empty and lonely in a long time. It’s a great song. It should be reassuring. But upon listening to it, I just felt sad about things that I don’t even have. Maybe the lack of having them made my old odd self visit. You may think that I don’t have anything worth worrying about, but the thing is that I worry a lot more than I think I should. But actually, it honestly doesn’t bother me anymore eh, it just makes me really frustrated.

I just thought I want it to be different this time. I want to deal with this shit differently. I’m usually fine with just, well, myself, so why do I have these days that having this pretty normal life isn’t enough? It’s not the best, but it’s not that bad. Maybe I’m just really more ambitious than I am simple.

But then I thought, I’ve had ones of the best days of my life out of this so fucking awful 2016 and to that I’m still thankful. I, now, end up listing things that happened and made me a better (or worse) person when I was 21. Time flies really fast. A few months ago I told my friends that the world’s revolving too fast, I feel like I’m dragging. That’s true. I still even feel like that sometimes, like if I blink, I’d miss something groundbreaking. I feel like standing in the middle of everything and I feel like nothing is around me all at once. I’m turning 22 in a week and I feel like I was just 17 and falling in love for the first time, a few hours ago. I thought I just gotta write about these things so that I get to realize I need to be my happy self again who’s grateful for experiencing those moments. Because as much as I know that this year hurt the ones I love pretty hard, I still have things to be thankful for. And even though some things caused and would still cause us pain in the future, I just wanted to make sure that we will make it through. I just wanna stop being lonely and stop hoping for someone to assure me that nothing’s gonna hurt me. I’ve done a pretty fucking good job in keeping myself safe in a long time. That maybe, I still have to feel lost from time to time in order to find what I’ve been missing, that no matter how good or bad it gets, it happened because it’ll help things to fall together. Sometimes life is just so motherfucking awful but thank God, I have good people in my life.

Here’s to my sister for giving birth to my new favorite person in the world.

My life has never been this bright. I’ve never seen the world with this kind of palette in a long time. I’ve never seen my family this happy. I would always come home exhausted and I’d see our little chocolate boy and everything will be alright. He is my pillar of happiness. Like life instantly became a lot better.

Here’s to letting go of some things that burdened me for far too long.

I don’t have a photo for this one but it’s been a picture of me for a very long time. There are times that it still gets confusing if I just did it for myself. Or if I did the right thing. And whenever I think of what I’ve been through, I end up thinking that it’s not that bad to put myself first sometimes. I don’t worry that much anymore. I may have lost some things that I thought I can’t live without, but, what the heck, ‘di ba?  Who’s still breathing now?

Here’s to the best Season Finale in history. Ahem, Game of Thrones.

Let me just put this in here. I’m never gonna get over this. I’ll be 42 and I would still write about it. It’s just so… wow.

Here’s to finally watching ten seasons of FRIENDS.

I love FRIENDS. It’s like I am actually friends with Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, Monica, Ross and Rachel. I have a very few set of friends, but watching this changed my life and my views about things. It made me appreciate my idiot friends more. I love you friends.

Here’s to SUMMER 2016

Who’s gonna forget about this getaway? Going away with some friends you’ve only been friends with for a few months. It isn’t even that weird when you’re all that awesome. And weird.

AND Here’s to new friends. A.K.A. The Girls.  Seriously, what was life before these people?

They always make fun of me, but I really love these guys. And I hate them, too.

So that’s the furthest I can go for now. I would add stuff if I get to remember something before I turn 22. I’m suddenly not that sad anymore. I am definitely not feeling lonely. I would still get hurt, but I got these people. And I have remaining pre-maru2016 people that I’ve grown and known to love more each day. Seeing these people makes me so happy. I didn’t know it’s even possible to love a bunch at once so much. I still get a little crazy sometimes and I will definitely get crazier, but it’s enough that I know I wouldn’t be alone when it happens. And no matter how hard life gets, I know it wouldn’t break me because it’d just help me be a better person than I’ve ever been, no matter how unnecessary it may get. I didn’t thought I will ever mention Dover Beach in the future, did I?


2 thoughts on “Cigarettes After Sex: Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby

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