I’ve decided not to hate anymore.

Upon listening to Beach Fossils and my chaotic soul searching (by that I mean what TV show will jive my current mood) I’ve decided not to stay angry.

I claim to be the lover of the world, but I also have so much hatred in me. I thought, I’m such a hypocrite. I’m a hater. How is that even possible? I even asked myself, “Do you even know shit about yourself?” I’ve arrived to this: Maybe we always love and hate at the same time, it’s just that sometimes I used to like it better when the part of love collapses and the hate wins. To love is tiring, to hate is inspiring. Boy, was it a bad thing to have so much control. Sometimes it feels like I can hate more and be fine with that, but I’ve always been so cautious to love further.

Or I thought maybe it’s the same thing. You can love and love and end up sadder than ever, but underneath everything, you know it’s your source of happiness; you can also hate all your life and end up happily, but the real source of hatred is love. Maybe love is not directly incorporated with sadness, maybe it is with hatred. Sadness is another thing eh, I think hatred is one of the primary colors and sadness is just, well, like green. The thing kasi is you can always hate what you love but you know you only love something when you have the courage to hate it. I mean, you can never hate anything that you don’t love. You know you love something when it has the ability to shift your good side to bad.

These past few weeks has been my second most mad days in history. I should equally hate things that angers me but there’s something that actually stood out. There are things that happened that wronged my beliefs but I can’t equally hate everything. Kumbaga sa friend ko, “Wala syang ganung effect sa akin.”

To make it more simple, I think this is why some couples fight all the time. Yes, the relationship is worth fighting for, but everything else is worth fighting about. Why? Because that’s when you know you love something. You have to hate something to know you love it enough to take it anyway.

Truthfully, if you don’t genuinely love something that upsets you, you wouldn’t give a damn. You only pay attention to the ones you actually care about.

While listening to Beach Fossils, I figured that it’s too happy for my mood. I’m listening right now to The Middle East’s Blood, it’s my ultimate suicide song. I figured that no matter what happens, I will try not to hate, because that’s how I love.

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