I remember the last time that I felt so detached from the world. It was my last day of college, probably the last day of school for my entire life. Bags were completely packed and I was so ready to go. It was surreal that I was actually leaving the place I called my home for the last four years of my life. I can always go back but what scared me is that I may come back but I will be a completely different person.
I remember walking through the hallways for the last time. I remember running my fingers along with the dusty windows of Taft wing. I remember looking at the room for the last time, like it was just an hour ago when I saw it the first time. I can’t remember my first and last memory of anything else aside from that. For once, it feels like I’m old enough to be a dungeon of my own memories. I just never thought it’d be for something I’d never expect.
I remember slowly going down the stairs in contrast of the days that I rushed going upstairs. I remember staring at my reflection at that huge mirror approaching the library. I remember walking down the Paseo for the last time and I see myself looking right through time, when just years ago it looked so different than to that day. I remember passing through that creepy-child figurine outside of the chapel. I walked through the main gate. I waited for a cab. I went in. And just like that, I never looked back.
I remember talking to my college best friend saying that I’ll die at 19. I was 16 then. I thought I could just cut it short and it’s just so boring to die old, besides I believed there’s nothing worth staying after your teenage years. I am 21 right now and I’m having a pretty decent, pretty happy life.
And then I remember spacing out yesterday. Amidst of my mom’s scolding and life confusions, I asked myself a question that I haven’t asked myself for years now. “How are you gonna outlive the rest of your life?”
I remember how afraid I was when I was about to leave a place I called home during my college days. I was so afraid that I’ll never be the same person that I was during that time. I remember feeling so detached from something I didn’t know I was glued all along. I remember thinking that maybe I should end things there. It’ll just get harder and harder, why do I even fight if I can just make it stop spinning?
I remember surrendering myself to anything. I was practically feeling worthless more than ever. It felt like I will never function like I used to.
But I remember I was the one who packed my bags, the one who stepped my foot inside the cab, the one who looked at things and decided to experience things the last time. Some things are hard to let go when it’s been a part of you, but sometimes you just really have to let things be. Que Sera Sera. C’est la vie.
I didn’t die at 19. I’m obviously still here. And if there’s something I’d know about life, it’s that things can be pretty nasty at times, but I should remember that there’ll be always a few ones that are not. Maybe that’s how we get through life, we keep giving chances so we would still have a reason to carry on, as much as we let go of things so it won’t keep us down. Maybe there’s no turning point where we’ll decide if something’s worth the shot or the latter. Maybe we’ll just know what to do with things when it hit us.
When it occurred to me that I’m old enough to be my own memories keeper, I knew I was too old to die young. I may not be the person who I used to be 5 or 6 years ago, but I’m still here and I feel great more than ever. Maybe I spent too much time giving myself a deadline that I let the world run around me. I forgot to live it my way. I used to think that I have all the power to make it stop spinning whenever I want to and took it as a privilege, but it didn’t occurred to me that I’m the one who’s doing the spinning. I never thought change can be a good thing. I was so scared of it all along.
I said I wanted to stay as the 18 year old kid living–the what I thought– a one of a kind life. I’m just glad I didn’t get to be the same person. I understand the loop now.
I’d like to get back to this day someday and think that for once I wasn’t scared to look back and let go. Things are changing and a lot more will change eventually, too.
I know I can always ride a cab back to that place and walk through hallways. I can always walk towards the library and see the same reflection, but the next time I know I’ll still be seeing the glued Maru to that place, but also I will so surely welcome the new person I will be. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
I will live my days not worrying for once.